This piece is an entirely and deeply serious parody. 

Bitcoin mines aren’t just thirsty, it turns out they’re starving for air, too. The air consumption tied to a single Bitcoin transaction, on average, could be enough for a DINK couple to breathe for an entire year, according to a new analysis by Andrew de Breeze. Bitcoin mines are essentially big data centers, which have become notorious for how much electricity and water they use, taking those resources directly away from human beings and mother nature.

But according to an analysis published today by sources familiar with the situation, Bitcoin’s air consumption footprint is growing even faster than it’s water consumption and is…

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